Posted by: Tamika | 13 February 2007

Texting: From Faux Pas to Faux Sex

Thank goodness for the 21st century’s finest invention–the text message. Text messaging is fabulous for that little sumpin’ sumpin’ one must convey when one does not have the full time to pick up the phone to call. It also avoids long drawn out conversations with people when you just need to give a quickie. These quintessential texts include, “Gonna be late.” “There in 10.” “On a call now, call you in 5.” “In a meeting.” “@ rehersal. Call u @ 9.”

It’s funny because people even have pet peeves regarding the text. Some people can’t stand when people leave messages like, “CUSIAM”–call you soon, in a meeting. Who the hell can figure that one out? Or texting without spaces or punctuation, ie. “hollabackattheflatbreakinitdownbiatch.” You need a certification in short hand to understand what the hell someone’s saying. OK, so I’m one of those people for punctuation. I hate people thinking that I’m an idiot for saying, “theres” instead of “there’s.” Stupid, but I’m anal like that. Of course, everyone gets my favorite shorthand text, “WTF?” I love it. It completely sums up a situation or feeling about something. It’s even creeped into real conversation. How many times have you heard someone saying, “I mean, WTF, man?” You’ll never hear someone say, “LOL!”

Now, the “grown and sexy” have brought texting to a new level. I like to call it sexting. You can have a complete foreplay experience via text. You know what I mean. It goes something like… “I heard NIN’s Closer and thought of you.” “What part of the song reminded you of me?” “The f*#$ing you like an animal part.” (BTW: This is taken from an actual account by “a friend of mine.”) “Oh, are you saying you want to do that to me?” “Yeah, I did that the last time we were together. Remember the desk we almost broke?” “Stop, I don’t want to think about that right now.” “Yeah, I lost a button that night when I f*cked you on the…” OK–you get it. I have seen 100 texts result in explosive real life sex because of creative use of sexting. (hence my unlimited text plan…) It’s funny, because when the texts come in, your face is red and feverish, and you actually get a physical response. By the time you actually get together, it’s like two mad pitbulls released a dogfight trying to tear eachother apart.[clearing throat, hard swallow] OK, moving on. BTW: text me at 555-… …. Just kidding.

Now, there also is a new phenomenon that I like to call textwittage. It’s like fuckwittage, but done via text. This is when the punk who you’ve been dating sends the “I don’t think this is going to work out,” or “I can’t make it tonight–sorry,” message in lieu of a phone call. WTF? Pick up the phone, for f*ck’s sake. What’s next? “I never had a real orgasm when I was with you. I’m with someone else now.” Have we come to that? Also, if you’re dating someone, a text does not count as a phone call. I repeat, a text does not count as a phone call. For example, the post-coital call the next day must be made via phone. The “I had a great time last night” might be great to whet one’s appetite for later, but you still need to make that call. I have a visual of someone receiving fellatio from someone else when I get the text-in-lieu. I’m thinking, OK. he wanted to leave his foot in the door, but didn’t dedicate the time to pick up the f*cking phone. Piss off. You’d better bet your ass you’re going to have to work a lot harder to get the booty after that faux pas.

Hopefully I have been able to fully deconstruct what I can only describe as texting pet-peeves. Now you can choose to heed them or not. Just know that if you receive a response that is less than kind to your text-in-lieu, you know why. Also, note that someone else is getting a lot more booty than you because he started sexting at 11:00 am in the morning. You women out there can attest to the fact that keeping a woman on a low simmer all day is like cooking Gumbo over a low heat for 8 hours… Sensational!


  1. You go girl!

  2. Why thank you dahling. Oh, I did forget to add… drunk texting. How many times have we sent that text we wish we could retract from textland telling an old lover we want to see him later that night, or an old boyfriend how the song on Muzak is really reminding you of him at that moment! Argh…

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