So I was thinking the other day about those cute little cherubs that we’ve all seen play with their first toys. Inevitably, there is the one in which the child tries to fit the shapes in to their respective hole… hexagon–good! square–great! triangle–yea! Good boy! There is also the peg board that usually precedes this toy that is full of round and square holes, for the respective round and square pegs. There is always the persistence of the child trying to fit that square peg into the round hole. The really strong ones can fit it in there, too–they just can never get the damn thing out again. They cry, storm off (as fast as their chunky little legs will carry them), and elicit help from some big person to help them undo their ill-fitted play.

I’ve figured out that we haven’t come that far from that chubby little kid.

I listen to stories of lament on almost a daily basis of “If I only loved him more,” “I know it’s me,” “If I can just stick it out,” “I’ve got to work harder to make her love me.” They basically all equate to the “fight” for one’s love, the “fight” for one’s relationship, the “fight” for one’s attention. I personally believe these people are about to be doled a heaping dose of futility. Why are you fighting so hard? Why are you the only one fighting? Why are you trying to fit that square peg into the round hole? Even if you can make it fit, it still isn’t the appropriate peg for you, and it will get stuck in the bog of relationship hell, only for you to storm off crying about what went wrong.

My mom, the wisest woman I know, SuperDiva, said to me once, “Men will always tell you the truth at the beginning of a relationship.” For most of us, our snap reaction is, “WHAAAAA? Impossible–they’re just trying to get laid.” But think about it a minute… Usually, at the beginning he’ll say, “I’m really not looking for a serious relationship, right now,” or “I just got out of a long relationship. I’m just wanting to date casually,” or on the other end of the spectrum, “I’m looking for my soul mate.” Well guess what–that sentiment doesn’t change. In other words, if he’s not looking for anything long term, you will never be long term. You might be the chick he shags long term, but you aren’t his next wife… not even if you get pregnant (and why the hell would you want to anyway?), not even if you beg. You might be the woman that he enjoys, but if you’re not his soul mate, and he’s looking for one, guess what–he’s still looking, even though he’s shagging you. I hate to burst the bubble of all the women out there that NurseRatchet so eloquently referred to today as “the stepping stones to a better relationship or love,” but the bottom line is that we will all be that person to someone at least once.

Lest we not forget the men, though. If you know you aren’t looking for anything serious, why stop telling a woman that? Of course, if you only mentioned that a year and a half ago, but you’ve taken mini-breaks together, met the kids, and talk on the phone everyday, obviously, most women are going to think that what you originally wanted has changed. The sacrifice of the “p” is always worth you gaining your integrity.

So is there a balance? Of course. Know that there will be more square pegs than round ones. Hey, if you want to put those square pegs in every orafice on your body–do it! But know that most of them won’t fit long term. Discern the fun in playing with them, but know that if you try to make it work–it won’t. Then, when you come to that coveted round peg, recognize it, see if it fits, and if it does then hope that all the other things that make relationships work (trust, honesty, commitment, great timing, similar value system, oh, and love) are also in place. That’s where you start; and even then, you still might end up crying about what went wrong.